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November 19, 2011 Teasing: When Words Hurt

It’s no secret that teasing is a natural part of life for kids. But when teasing goes too far, it’s difficult for your child to differentiate between mean words and playful banter. The temperament and personality style of the receiver is a major factor in the equation, according to Dr. Fran Walfish, child psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” “If the receiver is an exquisitely sensitive person, he or she may feel deeply injured by innocent teasing,” Walfish said. Teaching your child to assess teasing and address the behavior on his own can shape his ability to handle conflict in social situations.

Types of Teasing

Discerning between teasing and bullying is quite possibly the hardest social development step that children make during elementary school, specifically first through third grade, says Marie Newman, anti-bullying family advocate and co-author of “When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions.”

“Parents should coach their kids on how to identify whether another child’s actions are teasing, excessive teasing or bullying,” said Newman.

Newman defines teasing as lighthearted remarks about another that do not demean or humiliate a child. In some cases, teasing, also referred to as ribbing, is a natural way for children and adults to bond with one another. For example, a child may say to another child, “When you kicked that soccer ball really hard in the game, your tongue was hanging so far out, I thought it would fall right out!”

Excessive teasing takes lighthearted comments one step further. For instance, if a child adds, “Your tongue was hanging out so far, you looked dumb,” that changes the tone and interpretation of the comment, says Newman. However, chronic teasing can be just as harmful as bullying.

Bullying evolves when one child asks another to stop a specific behavior or demonstrates that she is upset, yet the behavior continues, says Newman. On the second occasion, it becomes bullying.

When Your Child Is the Bully

A tease here or there seems harmless to many parents, but when your child begins to exhibit signs of being a bully, it’s time for some damage control.

According to Marie Newman, anti-bullying family advocate and co-author of “When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions,” children develop harmful habits quickly. “Children typically become bullies when they lack empathy and are allowed to be disrespectful to others,” Newman said. “Unfortunately, the child develops habits, which eventually lead to being a full-blown bully.”

Diffusing your child’s role as a bully begins with discussions about strength, as well as disarming aggressive, derogatory or mean-spirited behaviors. Newman recommends discussing the long-term effects and consequences of bullying with your child. “Discuss the recent national bullying crisis and its horrible consequences, help your child understand how bullying could lead to a life of crime, and demonstrate in many different ways that bullying behavior is anti-social, unhealthy and abnormal,” Newman said.

Dr. Fran Walfish, child psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent,” suggests increasing your child’s awareness of the effects of bullying.

“Expand your child’s awareness of the impact of his behavior on others,” she said. “Teach accountability and be sure that, as parents, you model considerate, compassionate behavior toward others.”

Assessing the Situation

Regardless of whether teasing or bullying is intentional or not, the experience prompts your child to face his feelings. It’s not just about helping your child differentiate between teasing and bullying; it’s just as important to teach him to understand those feelings.

According to Dr. John Carosso, a Pennsylvania-based child and school psychologist, when teasing is occurring numerous days per week and making a child feel bad about himself, he needs to feel comfortable talking to a parent or teacher. But when teasing is entirely playful, parents may need to teach children to develop a thicker skin and a sense of humor about themselves.

“My goal is for the teased child to quickly disarm the teaser and possibly even form a bond that curtails future teasing,” Carosso said.

Rather than becoming defensive and emotional, Carosso recommends parents teach their children to respond with lighthearted comments, such as “You’re right, I trip over my own two feet sometimes. I need to practice more so I can run like you someday.”

Carosso says this approach can be remarkably effective. “It’s hard for the teaser to continue being rude after hearing such a lighthearted and complimentary response.”

Handling Conflict

It is inevitable that your child will face conflict in his life. Teaching him strategies to disarm conflict or seek help may curtail the damage of excessive teasing or bullying. “Help your child understand that kids who tease are starved for attention,” Walfish said. “Help your child know that it’s not the receiver but, in fact, the teaser who has the problem.”

Parents need to equip their kids with phrases to use when teased, Walfish said: “Teach them to say, ‘When there are two of us, it’s only funny if we both think so,’ or simply, ‘That hurt my feelings.'”

Newman recommends children laugh it off and walk away while offering the teaser a look of warning on the first instance to let her know that the teasing is unwelcome. If the teasing continues, your child should take the teaser aside when others are not around and ask her to stop.

“If the teasing is making them feel badly, it is likely bullying,” Newman said. “Let your child know that bullying is not normal behavior; it is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.”

The main goal is to provide an outlet or environment that promotes open communication. “Parents can teach their children to tell them, or a teacher, if they feel teasing has gone too far or if someone is threatening them with harm, becoming physical or making them feel intimidated,” Carosso said. “Usually this is relatively self-evident; the child knows when he feels afraid.”

Many schools have gone to great lengths to create a “bully-free” classroom environment, notes Carosso, by focusing on the unacceptable nature of teasing and bullying.

“It encourages others not to contribute and encourages the victim and classmates to seek out a parent, teacher, principal or guidance counselor,” Carosso said. “Kids can also be taught to not over-react, stay with groups, stay away from the bully and learn coping strategies to avoid becoming a victim.”